Thank you for your recent application to FABLE requesting independent rehabilitation status and full expungement of your record following your departure from the organization known as the “Big Bad Wolves.”

Please note that due to the recent Kingdoms merger, our office is experiencing significant processing delays. We are also in the midst of restructuring our filing system, as the previous one proved difficult to follow. We appreciate your patience.

We have reviewed your materials, including your personal statement (“I Am My Own Wolf Now: A Journey”), three character references (two from pigs, which we believe may have been coerced), and your request to be evaluated “on individual merit rather than collective lupine reputation.”

After careful consideration, your application has been denied.

Our records show the following unresolved infractions filed under your name:

Until these matters are resolved, we cannot process your request for rehabilitation, expungement, or—as you put it—”a fair shake for once in my miserable life.”

You may appeal this decision in writing within thirty (30) story days. Please note that appeals are processed by a separate office and are heavily scrutinized.

We hope you live happily ever after.

Thank you for your response to my application. I had almost given up hope of hearing back from you. I submitted my paperwork over six months ago, and I was wondering if it had been lost. Or eaten. One hears stories about your filing system.

However, I must respectfully point out what appears to be a significant clerical error.

I am not the wolf you are thinking of.

The infractions listed in your letter pertain to a different wolf. The one involved in the Grandmother Incident of Grimm Code 26? Yeah, that would be Friedrich. And for the record, Friedrich never meant to hurt those women. It was all a big misunderstanding. But that is neither here nor there, because I am not Friedrich.

I have never set foot in that forest. I do not know any grandmothers. I have never worn a nightgown, sleeping cap, or any human attire whatsoever. Frankly, I find the practice undignified. And for that matter, do you believe that a human sleeping cap would even fit me? Have you seen my ears?

At the time of the incident in question, I was in the Sty District—a full three kingdoms away—engaged in what I can only describe as a contractual housing dispute. This is a matter of public record for which I have documentation.

Speaking of which, I must strenuously object to the characterization of my porcine references as “coerced.” Hamsworth and I have an understanding. We have moved past our differences, and he penned that letter of his own free will. I was nowhere near his property when he signed it.

The B. Wolf surname is very common where I come from. Perhaps if your filing system were less “difficult to follow,” as you put it, this sort of confusion could be avoided.

I am a reformed wolf. I left the Big Bad Wolves organization of my own accord because I no longer wished to be defined by collective action. After suffering second-degree burns from a pot of boiling water—which, I might add, constitutes an unreasonable use of force against a simple chimney entry—I took time to reflect. I realized the error of my ways, and I have chosen a different path.

I am trying to build something new. A quieter life. Consultancy work in the demolition space, mostly. You would be surprised how many subpar domiciles have been constructed in the last few dozen story chapters. The housing industry has been very welcoming to me, despite what you may have heard.

All I am asking for is a fair hearing based on my record, and not the record of another wolf who had poor impulse control around women.

I trust this clears up the confusion, and I look forward to your revised assessment.

Your letter has been forwarded to the Appeals Division. Please do not address future correspondence to Hansel & Gretel at Intake. They do not process appeals. Frankly, they are lucky to find their way to the office most days.

Regarding your complaints about processing times, FABLE is aware that your application has taken several months to review. We do not consider this unreasonable. Some of us have waited far longer for far less. Patience is a virtue, Mr. Wolf. Trust me, I know.

Now, to the matter at hand.

After reviewing your appeal, we acknowledge that you may, in fact, be a separate wolf from the one involved in the Grandmother Incident of Grimm Code 26. We have updated our records accordingly.

However, your application remains denied.

In our investigation, we have determined that you were either directly or partially responsible for the following:

You describe this as a “contractual housing dispute.” Our legal team describes it as “aggravated property destruction with predatory intent.”

You characterize the boiling water incident as “unreasonable force.” FABLE takes no position on the defensive rights of homeowners. We do, however, note that the psychological damage to the piglet witnesses has been medically documented. They no longer feel safe in brick structures, and have recurring nightmares about steam.

You claim to have “chosen a different path,” however, we note that your current profession is, by your own admission, demolition.

FABLE takes housing security seriously. We cannot in good conscience grant rehabilitation status to an applicant who has demonstrated such flagrant disregard for residential integrity, regardless of adherence to code or building materials used.

Your appeal is denied. We encourage you to reflect on your choices.

We hope you live happily ever after.

I see that my file has now been transferred from Intake to Appeals. I can only hope it survives the journey.

I note that your latest correspondence was addressed to “Friedrich B. Wolf.” Once again, you have the wrong wolf. Friedrich was young, he made one mistake, regrets it, and has moved on with his life. I am the one writing to your office. Please update your records accordingly.

Now. To your so-called findings:

First: I destroyed two houses, not three. The straw dwelling and the stick dwelling, yes. I will not dispute those. But the brick house remains standing to this day. I have seen it. It has a lovely garden now. You cannot charge me with destroying a structure that currently has window boxes.

Second: “Structural damage to the chimney.” I entered the chimney, yes, but I did not damage it. The masonry was intact when I entered and still intact when I slid down into the gigantic pot that was placed at the bottom. Singed, perhaps. Mildly sooty. But structurally sound. If anything, the boiling water caused more damage to the flue than I ever did.

Third: I did not “trespass with intent to consume.” I was attempting to negotiate. The pigs refused to open the door, and the chimney was the nearest point of egress. This is standard practice in lupine/porcine dispute resolution when conventional access is forcibly denied.

Fourth: The emotional distress of the piglets is regrettable, but I must point out that I am the one who was boiled alive. I am the one who spent six weeks in the Far, Far Away burn unit. I am the one who still cannot enjoy a hot bath without experiencing flashbacks. Despite what the brave little tailor may advertise, fur transplant surgery is not foolproof.

I have had enough.

If FABLE cannot provide a fair and impartial review, I will have no choice but to escalate this matter. I will take this all the way to Wilhelm Grimm himself if I have to. My attorney, Mr. B. G. Gruff, is preparing documentation as we speak.

I demand to know what it would actually take to clear my name? Is there a path forward, or was this always a foregone conclusion?

I am pleased to inform you that your application for rehabilitation has been approved!

Your case has been reviewed by this office and our contractor (Magic Mirror Biometrics), and we are satisfied that the Grandmother Incident was, as you say, a single youthful mistake. You have expressed remorse. You have moved on. FABLE sees no reason to hold the past against you any longer. After all, our motto is “Everyone deserves a second chapter.”

I happen to have personal experience with mistaken identity. It takes courage to admit who you truly are, and I commend you for it.

I have enclosed a Certificate of Rehabilitation for one:

FRIEDRICH B. WOLF

clearing you of all infractions related to
Grimm Code 26.1(a) through 26.1(c).

Regarding your stated intention to bring this matter to Wilhelm Grimm: that will not be necessary, and indeed would prove difficult, as Mr. Grimm has been deceased since 1859. We are glad to have resolved this matter before you attempted to contact him. The last thing we need is for Maleficent to get involved in this.

Do note that this expungement pertains only to the aforementioned Grandmother Incident. A separate case file (WLF-40W1) has been opened for one B. B. Wolf regarding documented incidents in the Sty District. Two (2) destroyed dwellings, attempted destruction with malicious intent (a structure’s continued existence does not negate the attempt), chimney trespass, and emotional distress to minor piglets. Thank you for confirming the facts of this case and bringing it to our attention. We take these sorts of incidents very seriously.

We trust that this resolves the matter at hand, and we wish you a happily ever after.